O Little Town of Broomfield
Interestingly, Broomfield ain't quite so small anymore. In fact, it now has one of the biggest shopping malls this side of the Orion Nebula. 'Course, lot of good that did me in 1987. But at least it once again demonstrates the overwhelming power of music. How, I'm not quite sure.
o little town of broomfield
o can you tell me why
why you don't have a real mall so we can shop close by
yet in the dark streets shineth another traffic light
the way you waste your money just makes me want to cry
o so so town of broomfield
it's christmas time again
the people drive to westminster to buy gifts for their friends
and meanwhile you sit frozen beneath a ton of snow
the snow plows drive down a couple streets
and that's as far as they'll go
o teeny weeny broomfield
you're growing up so fast
the possibilities are endless and our hopes are vast
but while you tread the fine line between town and city
could you tear down all those traffic lights
please do it just for me
amen
We Wish You a Merry Cockroach
I don't remember it, but I absolutely must have been drunk when I penned this beauty. I mean, come on, otherwise I'm just plain weird.
Hey, you shut up this instant.
we wish you a merry cockroach
we wish you a merry cockroach
we wish you a merry cockroach
and a so so new year
new tide takes out ring around the collar
we wish you a merry cockroach
give me ten dollars
Mistletoe Maniac
Honestly, I can think of few things more fun than kissing. All of them involve complete nudity, and most of them also involve kissing. This was one of the rare original tracks on the Christmas album. If memory serves, it took about ten minutes to write and fifteen minutes to record. And now you're going to waste a sizeable fraction of that time listening to it. Irony continues to abound.
hey baby listen to me
you really light my christmas tree
won't you let me fill your stockin'
no more of this talkin'
red and green, red and green
i'm a lean mean lip machine
ooo lookie lookie
well i want some milk and cookies
you know i'm a mistletoe maniac
a mistletoe maniac
a mistletoe maniac
so come on baby just one little kiss
whaddaya say
and if it's not askin' too much
put some tongue into it
hey baby merry christmas
i'm gettin' really restless
won't you be my mrs. claus
just can't control my paws
oochie coochie woochie
how 'bout a yule tide smoochie
come over to the fireplace
baby let's suck face
mistletoe maniac
mistletoe maniac
oh i'm a mistletoe maniac
come on baby just one little kiss
whaddaya say
Randolph the Blue-Nosed Cockroach
My mom nearly came up with the title to this song. I have no fricking clue how the conversation started, but somehow we were talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, and for some reason she ended up contorting that into Randolph the Blue Nosed Gopher. It must have been the most terrifying conversation ever to have occurred in Broomfield, but so far the therapy has failed to elucidate anything more than that. Anyway, the band wasn't called Velvet Gopher, so a little work remained after the handoff from my mom, but at least now you know something completely useless and uninteresting.
randolph the blue-nosed cockroach
had a real shiny nose
and if you looked real closely
you'd notice he wore pantyhose
all of the other roaches
used to laugh and call him names
they wouldn't let poor randolph
play in any of their stupid games
then one foggy christmas eve
i heard randolph say
screw this frickin' place, all right
i think i'll kill everybody tonight
so he killed all the other roaches
and moved to missouri
and randolph's christmas eve massacre
will go down in history
The Little Drummer Boy's Psycho Cousin
Fully seven hundred drummers auditioned for the heavily coveted lead role in this song. I didn't pick any of them, of course. I knew all along I was just going to use my drum machine. I just like making drummers cry.
watch me play my drums
pa rum pa pum pum
damn i'm good oh yeah
pa rum pa pum pum
i should make millions of dollars
pa rum pa pum pum
but i'm broke so i'll just make this cheap album
rum pa pum pum
Slay Me Another Candy Cane
90% of the reason for celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas is food. The other 10% is eating.
Oh man, what was I thinking? I forgot wine.
won't you toss me another turkey dear
won't you give me a couple hundred more yams
and glop some stuffing on top of it all
and give me another ham
and some jello ooo
it's so mellow ahh
don't make me say it again
and later tonight before you turn out the lights
won't you slay me another candy cane
food
merry christmas
give me something more to eat
gonna chow down
wow down it goes
ooo what a funky beat
off a plate or a platter
baby it don't matter
gonna scarf down all you've got
well i could eat a clydesdale
i could swallow a whale
so give me your best shot, sweet mama
hey pass those nuts, baby don't be greedy
screw the cracker i'll use my teeth
i'm still pretty hungry for somethin' more to eat
you'd better hide the wreath
don't get me under the mistletoe
'cause i'm liable to eat your face
oh no better get the alka seltzer
before i ralph on the fireplace
no wait i'm better honey
don't go insane
just walk those pretty legs right over here
after you slay me another candy cane
Yule Tide Blues
I'm sure you've heard that most suicides happen during the holiday season. I just thought I'd write some background music.
well hey merry christmas
bah humbug too
what the hell did you buy me
look what I got you
another deodorant gift package
for your smelly pits
have another hors d'oeuvre
how about a ritz
oh you got me a snow blower
is that a hint
how'd you like me to use it on your belly button lint
baby i'm really feelin' confused
i don't know how to cope
i got those yule tide blues
now up at the north pole
there's a fat old man
long ass white beard
got lots of fans
bunch of annoyin' little elves
runnin' under his legs
watch out for the deer sh-t
smells like rotten eggs
about once a year
he gets into his sleigh
gathers up all his toys and just gives 'em away
well he must feel like he's bein' used
well you know he spends his whole damned year
knee deep in those yule tide blues
when the hell is dinner
who invited you
get out of the fireplace
or i'll turn you black and blue
hey i got an idea
let's all get drunk
then we'll take aunt martha
and stick her in the trunk
then we'll play mailbox baseball
and get arrested
spend the holiday with a convict and see who's more hairy-chested
someday i might not make it through
i'm gettin' christmas up the butt
i got those yule tide blues
The Damned Tree Fell Over
This song fell just short of winning the Feel Good Tune of the Year award in 1988. That would have sucked, because believe it or not, I was just trying to be sarcastic.
merry christmas darling
looks like we're snowed in
and the power went out
we're in the dark again
and all of the candles have melted away
what else could go wrong on this jolly holiday
oh i had to ask
there's a reindeer in the jon
santa got a little hungry
and now all the candy's gone
and just when you thought nothing else could go wrong
the damned tree fell over
and now i'm singing this song
ooo we live in hell
there is no hope
why don't we all just die
all the candy canes rotted
and the turkey spoiled
and it's colder than a freezer and i'm shivering royal
and the tree's on fire
and the wreath unraveled
and frozen peas taste a lot like gravel
and the beer's all gone
and the chimney caved in
and it smells like somebody just broke wind
well i've had enough
i hope everybody dies
and if i see santa again
i'm gonna blow him out of the sky
merry frickin' christmas
i hope everybody dies
'cause you all suck
and i'm not having any fun
and i didn't get what I wanted for christmas
and life's just one big piece of reindeer...
...antlers
Frotsky the Snowman
This song was pivotal to the ending of the Cold War. It pissed off so many Russians that they lost their concentration and forgot how to make nuclear weapons. Personally I think they overreacted.
frotsky the snowman was a psycho russian dude
and except for his hat and his corncob pipe
he was totally in the nude
Jingle Schmingle
"A Velvet Cockroach Christmas" was recorded in two halves, one in December 1987 and the other in December 1988. Together, they form a collection that has almost certainly reserved me a spot in hell. This song emerged as most people's favorite, probably because of the excellent quality of the vocals and its general feel-good vibe. Do keep in mind that I was nineteen years old when I recorded this. Not that much has changed, although I do occasionally wear nicer shoes.
sloshing through the snow that covers my driveway
it's seventy below
what a stupid day
the ice begins to sting
i think i've got frostbite
i hope those stupid carolers don't bother me tonight
hey, jingle bells, go to hell
get out of my way
oh what fun it is to shove my fist right through your face
jingle this, jingle that
have a lousy day
and don't come back again until your voice has gone away
don't get the wrong idea, but i'm not in the mood
think i've got diarrhea from all this freakin' food
oh come all ye retarded and cram onto my porch
hey thanks to all these stupid lights, my house was totally torched
hey, jingle bells, go to hell
get out of my way
oh what fun it is to shove my fist right through your face
jingle this, jingle that
have a lousy day
and don't come back again until your voice has gone away
you all sing out of key
you look like eskimos
if i pull out an uzi, that's the way it goes
don't say i didn't warn you
get off my property
i must tell you, you really bring out the axe murderer in me
hey, jingle bells, go to hell
get out of my way
oh what fun it is to shove my fist right through your face
jingle this, jingle that
have a lousy day
and don't come back again until your voice has gone away
just like mine
Deck the Stalls
I would hazard a guess that toilet usage peaks at the end of the year. Hence this festive tune. Trivia of the day: this is the only Tastiera or Velvet Cockroach song ever recorded without the aid of an instrument. Except for the toilet, of course. Oh. Hmm, I wonder if that counts. Damn.
deck the stalls with toilet paper
fa la la la la la la la -*-
can you smell those lovely vapors
fa la la la la la la la -*-
let's throw don into a barrel
fa la la la la la la la -*-
then we'll take advantage of carol
fa la la la la la la la -*-
see the blazing jon before us
fa la la la la la la la -*-
what a place to sing the chorus
fa la la la la la la la -*-
lift the seat, it'll be my pleasure
fa la la la la la la la -*-
then we'll search for buried treasure
fa la la la la la la la -*-
don't be shy just take a tinkle
fa la la la la la la la -*-
hear the bells go jingle jingle
fa la la la la la la la -*-
wait i see the tidy bowl man
fa la la la la la la la -*-
whoops i flushed him down the can
fa la la la la la la la -*-
well i guess it's time to go
fa la la la la la la la -*-
before it overflows
fa la la la la la la la -*-
grab the plunger and sing along
fa la la la la la la la -*-
time to end this stupid song
fa la la la la la la la -*-
Auld Lang Syne Part Deux
New Year's Eve usually gets jacked on Christmas albums. This is completely unfair, because let's face it, Christmas is kind of like the opening ceremonies of a week of completely unhealthy behavior that lasts the rest of the year, and New Year's is the grand finale. You might think from my name that I've got some Irish in me, but I don't, but this song makes me wish I did, but then again that wouldn't change anything, so I guess it really doesn't matter, so please accept my apologies for even bringing it up, unless you you're like me and have no idea what harm it could possibly have done, but really I just wanted to write an extremely long sentence to finish off this blurb, and there's not much more to it than that.
should old acquaintance be forgot
when we get totally drunk
should all our values be forgot
when someone spikes the punch
another shot of whiskey dear
another glass of wine
another cup of egg nog
just for auld lang syne
i'm feeling no pain my dear
i'm really feeling fine
hey what's my name, i forgot
must be the moonshine
i have to take a whiz again
oh no there's a line
i hope that i can hold it in
just for auld lang syne
pass the bourbon over here
my mouth is getting dry
is this new year's eve, i forgot
i think i'm starting to fly
oh why oh why is everything spinning
you're screwin' with my mind
i think i need another beer
just for auld lang syne
where is my face, my feet are gone
where is the door
or is this my house, i forgot
oh no here comes the floor
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